Duncan Ferguson was eroded by wind and rain from a large piece of rock, a process taking several millennia. He became animate in 1971, 523 years ahead of schedule, due to the dismal shit that passes for weather in Scotland.
Annoyed at having to wait 523 years to fulfil his destiny, he decided to while away a few years playing football. Thats euro football by the way, Duncan Ferguson knows not what this soccer is, and if you use words he doesn't understand around him, he will come and Get You.
Duncan Ferguson played Futty mainly for Everton, and is rightly regarded as one of the greatest heroes of all time. Famed for his restrained conduct on the field of play and graceful goalscoring, he now lies dormant, awaiting his chance to invade Cuba. He can do this because he needs no army, and is immune to nuclear weapons, leftist poseur students brandishing posters of Che Guevara, and poverty.