Stupid Jokes that made you roar with laughter

[gxnn]

A group of Chinese university professors are invited aboard a plane, which is, according to the flight attendants, the product designed by their students.
Then one after another the professors get off the plane, except for one who keeps seated undisturbed.
"Why trouble yourself so much about the safety, I am sure the plane cannot even take off the ground."

[Gutex0]

I broke the sound barrier.
Or, as she called the police, "my wife's jaw."

[Gutex0]

I cried: I think I know who does not get a card for Mother's Day!

And then I left the abortion clinic ...

[Gutex0]

My aunt just got a female Pit Bull race - every time when it is in the park trying to bite children ...

But the dog is completely calm.

[Classyvixenart]

My aunt just got a female Pit Bull race - every time when it is in the park trying to bite children ...

But the dog is completely calm.

huh?

[Classyvixenart]

a guy walks into a bar, orders 10 shots of whisky and immediately downs them one after the other. the barman says "fuckin hell, what are you celebrating?!" the guy says "my first blowjob". the bartender laughs and says "congratulations! how about another, on the house?" but the guy replies "don't worry about it mate, if 10 doesn't get rid of the taste, nothing will"

HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[A.tab]

Second Opinion!



The doctor said, ' Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration



You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.



He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit...'

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit..'

The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, 'Let's see... Size 44 long.'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Jo e and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see... Size 36.

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'



New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS

[Gutex0]

Polish, Rusian, and the Englishman found the lake, in which as in the jump and say what they want to be in it changes. Russian runs and shouts:-Vodka! Lake turned to vodka. Pole runs and shouts:-Beer! Lake turned into beer. then runs an Englishman. He slipped and shouts:-Oh shit!

[Gutex0]

A golf pro dragged himself into the clubhouse looking as though he'd just escaped a tornado.
"What's wrong?" a woman asked.

"I just lost a game to Houlihan," the pro said.

"What? But Houlihan's the worst player I've ever seen. How could he have beaten you?"

"He tricked me," the pro said. "On the first tee, he asked for a handicap. I told him he could have 30, 40, 50 strokes- any handicap he wanted.

He said, 'Just give me two gotchas."

"What's a gotcha?" asked the woman. "That's what I wanted to know," the pro said. "Houlihan said, 'You'll see.' Then, as I was teeing off, just as I had my club poised, he screamed out 'Gotcha!'"

"I can guess what happened," the woman said.

"Sure," the pro said. "The scream threw me off, and I missed the ball completely."

"Understandable," the woman said. "But still, that's only one swing. How did he win the game?"

The pro answered, "You try swinging at a golf ball all day while waiting for that second 'gotcha!'"

[RayveFan]

A woman takes her sick bird to the vet.
They take it in a room and the doc examines it, says it's just that the bird has a headache, but tells the woman he needs to do a test to make sure his diagnosis is correct.
She says that it's okay to do the test.
In walks a cat and walks slowly around the bird. Then the cat walks out.
The doc then writes a script for some pills and gives the lady the bill.
"530 dollars! What for?." says the lady.
"Well, 30 dollars for the visit and 500 for the cat scan."

[Salty Longshanks]

(From the Sopranos )


A rich guy, and a poor guy are sitting at the bar on Christmas Eve.........


The poor guy says to the rich guy...What'd did you get for your wife?

The rich guy says.....I got her a used Diamond ring, and a Mercedes.

The poor guy says......Why'd you get her a Mercedes?

The rich guy says.....If she don't like the ring, she can take it back herself.

The rich guy says to the poor guy.......What'd you get your wife for Christmas?

The poor guy says to the rich guy........A pair of slippers, and a dildo.

The rich guy says to the poor guy.....Why'd you get her a dildo?

The poor guy says to the rich guy......Because if she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself.

[A.tab]

Written on an inquiry counter.

" Please be patient, even a toilet can handle only one ass-hole at a time."

[A.tab]

Just at the moment when the dentist was leaning over towards his patient to take care of her teeth, he was startled.



"Excuse me, Miss, those are my testicles that you are holding."

"I know," answered the patient.

"You and I should be very careful not to hurt each other,.....Agree?"

[A.tab]

Two Jewish men, Sid and Tom were sitting in an Indian restaurant in New York. Sid asked Tom, Are there any Jewish people of our faith born and raised in India?

Tom replied: I don't know, let's just ask our waiter. When the waiter came by, Tom asked him: Are there any Indian Jews? The waiter said, I don't know, but I will ask the Chef.

After he returned from the kitchen a few minutes later and said: No sir, no Indian Jews. Tom wasn't really satisfied with that and asked: Are you absolutely sure? The waiter, realising he was dealing with 'foreigners' gave the expected answer, I will check again, and went back into the kitchen. While the waiter was away in the kitchen, Sid said, I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in India. Our people are scattered everywhere. The waiter returned and said: The Chef and the Captain and my boss and they all say there is no Indian Jews. Are you certain? Tom asked once again, I just can't believe there are no Indian Jews!

Listen, I have asked EVERYONE, replied the frustrated waiter. All we have is Mango Jews, Pineapple Jews, Orange Jews, Coconut Jews & Tomato Jews! - No Indian Jews!!! OK!!!!!???!!!

[Gutex0]

Where does the little girl go after explosion?
Everywhere!