A man is in Hospital bed wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth.
"Nurse," he mumbles, "Are my testicles black?"
The nurse raises his gown, holds his cock in one hand and his balls in the other.
She takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them sir."
Man pulls off the oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thanks for that. It was lovely but listen very very carefully... Are-my-test-results-back?!"
~ Av & Sig by Cy ~
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:
Dear Mrs. Harris,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris , are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras":
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'
One of the clerks passed out.
Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot
girl in his office.... but she was dating someone else. One day Eddie
got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll give you $100 if
you let me have sex with you..."
The girl looked at him, then said, "NO."
Eddie said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you
bend down, and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up."
She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her
boyfriend. So she called him and explained the situation.
Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money really fast.
He won't even be able to get his pants down." She agreed and accepts
the proposal.
Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his
girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and
asks what happened.
Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The bastard had all quarters!"
Hi scribe
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
2001pm* (06-20-2012)
jesus...Originally Posted by Cold As Ice
Gents
~ Av & Sig by Cy ~
haydaddict (06-20-2012), PlanetHendrix (06-20-2012)
Scribe
Im on strike till i get her back....
Hi gang.
Sig created by Cold as IceClicky the pretty lady to read my philosophy (New content Mondays @ 9:15 p.m.)At least I think she's pretty
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