The Random Thread (My 5985)

And hey presto, Robert's your mother's brother.

 

*fart*

 

I'm half French and half Irish.

I like to get drunk and surrender.

 

People ask me `what is Belgium good for?`
And I reply `it's the quickest way for Germans to get into France. Twice.`

Peculiarly, some Western European types don't find that at all amusing. :sad:

 

My God man, you can spam

Keep it up

 

For a British person, anything said in a German accent instantly puts us on edge. See, whatever is being said, all we can really hear is the faint sound of bomb bay doors opening.

 

It is my primary function, sir.

 

:blowjob:

 

Greatest cinematic line never spoken?

Sir Michael Caine in `Zulu` (to be said in his Charlie Croker `The Italian Job` accent)

"Oi! Stop throwing those bloody spears at me!"

 

Blue Collar Man: Excuse me, I don't mean to interrupt, but what are you talking about?
Randal Graves: The ending of "Return of the Jedi".
Dante Hicks: My friend here is trying to convince me that any independent contractors working on the uncompleted Death Star were innocent victims when it was destroyed by the Rebels.

 

[speaking on the wireless]
Tom Zarek: This is Tom Zarek, President of the Twelve Colonies. It's over, Laura. Saul Tigh was killed attempting to escape. Bill Adama was tried and found guilty of his crimes. A firing squad executed him this morning. It's done, Laura. You want to think about the people of this fleet now, and surrender.
Laura Roslin: NOOOOO!!!! Not now! Not ever! Do you hear me?! I will use every cannon, every bomb, every bullet, every weapon I have down to my own eyeteeth to end you. I swear it! I'M COMING FOR ALL OF YOU!!!!!!!!!

 

John Crichton: The baby is breach.
Chiana: I can't birth a narl. I don't want a narl. I hate narls. I'm still a narl myself.
John Crichton: You helped Moya give birth.
Chiana: I blew out a wall and three tiers!
Aeryn Sun: I concur.
John Crichton: The baby's head is *up*. It has to be *down*. Don't make any structural changes. I'll be right back.

 

Ka D'Argo: How's your honeymoon?
John Crichton: Well, the brochure was better.

 

WHAT `INDEPENDENCE DAY` TAUGHT ME

When you listen to 'It's the End of the World As We Know It' by R.E.M., the world actually will come close to ending.

That tax money that goes to the departments/foundations for SETI scientists is used so that they can get their mini golf on.

SETI satellites won't pick up any alien radio signals until they are pretty much orbiting the earth.

A huge ship 1/4 the size of our moon can easily go undetected by astronomers and satalites until it finally arrives in Earth's orbit.

Bunk beds are only a foot above each other.

A President can make vaguely pedophiliac gags, as long as it's to his wife.

In the middle of summer in 90 degree heat, people will still wear wool sweaters at the park to play chess.

When the world is about to end, it's still a good idea to recycle.

That all of Randy Quaid's family look nothing like each other, nor speak in the same dialect.

You can fly in a straight line and land perfectly, even whilst steaming drunk.

A military plane will easily fly into a cloud of fire, killing all onboard without it's instruments warning everyone that a craft 15 miles wide is directly ahead of them.

In a time of crisis, the Presidents young daughter freely walks through the White House and can run into the Oval Office whenever she pleases.

That, for some reason, aliens use some sort of fiery cloud covering when approaching major cities, as if to try and sneak up on us.

Ferris Bueller's dad quit his job in Chicago and became a presidential aide.

While a 15-mile wide alien ship is entering the atmosphere, burning the air above your city as it is entering, the city itself will sustain no damage from the extreme heat.

When you realise an alien attack is imminent, you must instantly call your dry cleaner.

Its not normal to be paranoid when a big spaceship is hovering over your city.

While alien ships are hovering over major cities, The McClaughlin Group is more interesting than a history-making event.

You can walk outside your house and not see a fifteen mile wide space ship directly in your eyeline, nor when you bend down to pick up the newspaper, look to your left and right as people pack up, then look up again as a helicopter flies over your head and then back down, NOW YOU SEE the giant space ship....

It's normal to read the newspaper on your front lawn and your girlfriend will even walk out to you to ask if you want coffee.

Jet fighter pilot's can't get enough coffee. Case in point: if your jet-fighter boyfriend ran out to get the paper, you better run out and offer him some of your coffee within 8 seconds.

A 15-mile spaceship hovering over a city isn't enough to close a strip joint.

While alien ships hover above your city, it is better to watch the news at a strip club, ignoring the strippers, rather than watching it at your own home.

While an alien ship hovers above the White House, there's no need to post military officers along the fence, they have better things to do.

The best thing to do in the case of a bunch of UFOs show up, is to throw a bash on top of a skyscraper.

Morons who worship Elvis will always die when aliens come to Earth.

The only way to communicate with an alien ship after the phone doesn't work is steal an idea from Spielberg, with the BIG lights.

And this operation requires some historical sounding name, for the future, no matter how stupid it may sound. (Operation Welcome Wagon)

The Empire State Building is in the middle of the street (or at least it was)

NASA sends out rejection letters just like Harvard.

NASA wont allow you to be an astronaut if your girlfriends a stripper.

Even though you appear very left wing and peaceable, at the merest hint of a problem, you answer you're door with a shotgun.

A cable repairman can uncover an alien signal within our satellites, but thousands of other scientists working at NASA, the Pentagon, and around the world, can't.

That a 15 mile wide alien space craft doesn't have enough room for a timer.

When you drive to the White House to see your ex-wife who wants nothing to do with you, the staff will still let you into the Oval Office, unattended.

In the middle of all the chaos, the media would bother with a second rate story of a man dropping leaflets and even check into his backround and interview his friends.

Cellphone calls to your psychiatrist (or his secretary) go through, even in the midst of a global crisis.

Aliens don't need to destroy the cities from orbit. A massive 15 mile wide flying saucer is just cooler.

If a big fireball is destroying the city you're in, in fact, the same street you're on, the only way to know its coming is by looking in the rear view mirror.

The Capitol Building will always explode when fire touches it.

Janitors rooms in highway tunnels, palm trees, plastic toys and certain red trucks are invulnerable to alien super-weapons that employ huge walls of fire.

Air Force One can narrowly outrun a wall of fire without showing any signs of damage.

When downtown L.A. is being destroyed, the suburbs will still have working electricity.

The World Trade Center was more alien-proof than terrorist-proof.

The Statue of Liberty can easily float on water.

The Statue of Liberty's facial expression will change when blown off her pedestal.

American airforce pilots pay no attention during their briefings when preparing to attack alien ships.

When you are trying to destroy a miles wide alien ship, you use air to air missiles which only have few kilos of explosives.

Like in all movies, one fighter pilot will die by not being able to pull up. (`Porkins Syndrome`)

Flying saucers don't generate their own shields, they rely on one unarmed vessel in space.

In a battle using over 100 fighter jets, the U.S. Government can only view the status of 16 of them at once.

US military commanders have to have a cigar fall out of their mouths in order to fully express surprise.

When attacking an air base, it doesn't matter if you completely miss the aircraft with your weapons, they will still be destroyed anyway.

A fighter jet can travel from Los Angeles to the Grand Canyon in 4 minutes.

Can't breathe? Just rip off your oxygen mask.

Harry Connick Jr. is a better singer than actor.

The Grand Canyon is only 50 feet wide.

An F-18 can perfectly manoevre through the Grand Canyon.

The wall of the Grand Canyon is enough to penetrate an alien shield, while nukes aren't.

A marine who has never seen an alien ship before in his life will easily know how to open its hatch.

Will Smith can punch out a heavily armoured alien.

An old New York Jew knows more about the inner workings of the US Government than the President.

All exotic dancers are take-charge, natural born leaders, with amazing survival instincts and can help people and know where to go.

The aliens stench is enough to make one kick the crap out of them.

Will Smith COULD'VE been at a barbeque.

Trailer trash always survives.

Winnebago's find each other, even in the desert.

When attempting to enter Area 51, just show them an unconscious alien that you're carrying with you.

After seeing an unconscious alien, an Area 51 security guard doesn't have the guts to stop the hundreds of other vehicles that are following it.

Area 51 security guards don't sweat, even when they're wearing solid black in the desert. 'Cos they're tough.

The Roswell incident happened in the 1950s.

When performing an autopsy on an unconcious hostile alien, there is no need to post military personnel on standby just in case the alien wakes up.

Scientists wouldn't think of sedating the unconcious alien before operating on him to ensure it won't wake up.

Like in all movies, when coming out of unconciousness, the first thing you do is move your hand.

An alien whose tentacles are dextrous enough to manipulate vocal cords from outside the throat can't open the door itself.

An alien will always tell the President what its race is planning on doing with the planet and what it has already done to other planets.

A psychic alien who can scramble the mind of the President can't do the same to a bunch of guys with guns, or the guy with the gun standing over him.

An alien who's as 'frail as we are' can easily take 3 bullets to the head before dying, just like humans.

Will Smith's fist can easily knock an alien out with it's body armor on, yet it still takes 3 shots to the head to kill it.

For creatures with no vocal cords, the aliens sure do make a lot of sound.

Spaceships have completely destroyed major cities all over the world and there's no way to stop them; a real environmentalist won't get pissed off until someone tries to use a nuke on them.

Despite having ICBM technology developed during the Cold War that can launch nuclear missiles from thousands of miles away, it's always a good thing to fly a B-2 bomber within 5 miles of the target and fire a nuclear missile and then attempt to escape.

When you're stealing a helicopter in front of several military personel, only one man will notice.

Any soldier who tries to stop you from stealing an expensive military helicopter by threatening to shoot you, he is bluffing.

That a USMC F-18 pilot can also fly helicopters.

The Metroline in LA will in no way funnel and superheat an alien laser blast, like it does lava in `Volcano`.

Lying under helicopter debris in a blown up city for hours will keep you alive despite your injuries, but the minute after you get in a comfortable bed, you die.

A woman whose bleeding internally will still be able to speak clearly, smile, survive for a whole day, and joke with her husband in the hospital.

Whilst Area 51 has a really big, shiny lab for alien experiments, autopsy and vivisection, they don't have an OR, nor a surgeon capable of handling internal bleeding.

The President will get over his wife's death in less than a day.

The Presidents daughter will also get over her mothers death really quickly.

If you need inspiration on how to save the world from aliens, get drunk and kick some boxes. Don't worry, after you're epiphany, you will sober up in minutes.

Alien force fields can repel bullets, missiles, and even a nuclear weapon, but an ordinary Coke can can be easily placed on top of a shielded alien craft.

A member of the President's entourage needs only the slightest encouragement to shoot his gun at a captured alien spaceship, in a room containing millions of dollars worth of scientific equipment, the President, and the only scientists that have any experience with alien technology.

Even though the first bullet ricocheted of the the alien shield and could have killed someone or destroyed something important, a member of the President's entourage needs only the slightest encouragement to shoot his gun A SECOND TIME at a captured alien spaceship, in a room containing millions of dollars worth of scientific equipment, the President, and the only scientists that have any experience with alien technology.

Bullets ricochet (quite wildly) off invisible shields, but they are absorbed by coke cans.

If a pilot sees an alien spaceship's maneuvering capabilities, he will instantly know how to fly it.

Then again, the only controls one needs to know on an alien spacecraft are forward, reverse, left, and right.

The president always has a cowardly political idiot working for him that must be fired in order to save the world.

Military bases have morse code clickers and several people who know how to use them.

Russia is always dark and depressing and must have ominus music played when on screen.

That Russian military bases are built around Orthodox churches.

Russians like to spend their free time whispering to each other in dark rooms, smoking and drinking vodka while it's pouring outside.

That in the desert there's nothing to hold down a map other than .50 caliber ammo and a few rocks.

No-one but Iraqis understand morse code when an international conglomeration of forces are hiding out in the desert.

And there won't be a single American amongst these pilots.

But everyone appears to fly F-16s.

You can just whack a big old nuclear missile on one underside of an alien ship, and it won't fall off nor will it affect the balance of the ship.

Even in mankinds final moments just before the largest air battle ever, there’s always time for a wedding and you'll still need witnesses to get married.

When you are just about to begin a mission that the survival of the human race depends upon, it's always best to make an ass out of yourself in front of the President, the top brass and your new wife by demanding cigars.

Cigars are important in saving the world

When a President is giving a rousing speech, someone will well up and salute what he has just said in a emotional and proud manner. Whilst wearing a 1930's leather flying hat. Or something equally silly.

Advanced, psychic alien races can't sense there's two humans in one of their ships which is mysteriously flying alone towards the mothership and not communicating with it.

Advanced, psychic alien races will allow a lone fighter to enter their mothership without any communication or explanation as to what it's doing there.

Advanced, psychic alien races will not question why a missing craft from over thirty years ago all of a sudden shows up.

Aliens can line up, parade and march like nobody's business.

An alien controller won't think it's odd when a ship appears right in front of him with it's power windows closed.

And he won't wonder what that odd tube like thing is on the bottom of said ship.

Apple laptop batteries never run out.

`2001` has to be referenced in every sci-fi movie, in some way, shape or form. It's like a law.

Aliens use the same computer interfaces as we do.

Aliens do not update their anti-virus.

The control room of the mother ship looks identical to a NASA control room.

Use a nuke when aliens have shields, but send the President and a 100 fighter pilots when they don't.

When discovering humans are flying one of your ships attempting to escape, it's a good idea to close the main entrance a few seconds before they make their escape.

A single nuclear missile can easily destroy a massive object 1/4 the size of the moon.

Aliens aren't that advanced; take away their energy shields, and rag-tag human forces can defeat them in a matter of 30 minutes.

The President's daughter, even in the midst of such a crisis, doesn't appear to require any kind of protection.

In the climactic scenes, the two small children of the lead characters will find each other, and...chat.

Will Smith's stepson looks remarkably like his cousin Nicky from Bel-Air.

The ultimate alien death ray takes longer to warm up than an old TV set.

When introducing themselves over the radio, ex-abductee, recovering alcoholic crop dusters will always salute no-one in particular.

When you have the last missile that will save thousands of lives, it will fail you and you'll have to blow yourself up using your jet instead.

Even though the beam from a saucers primary weapon causes the White House to go up in flames even before the pulse shoots down and destroys it, it doesn't damage a small fighter jet.

If you're an alien who molested a man 10 years ago, he will end up killing you, your 20,000 friends and will destroy your ship.

The guy who flies the plane at the end who looks like a trucker never takes his glasses off. NEVER.

While a 15-mile wide ship is blowing up, it will glide away from Area 51 and crash safely into the mountains rather than falling straight on top of the base.

All spaceships crash at the same angle.

African tribes did their part in the world wide counter offensive and are capable of bringing down an alien fighter with their wooden spears

A gigantic alien craft will always comfortably come to a stop alongside some very noticeable monument, creating one hell of a sight, so that we know where it perished.

Sydney, whilst being the largest city in Australia, is not destroyed in the city-killing attacks. But, happily, when a city-killer is brought down, it can be beautifully framed by the Harbour Bridge.

Being engulfed in a nuclear blast in orbit doesn't damage your shield-less ship.

But even so, you slam it into the desert hard enough to mangle it, but you'll be okay, 'cos you got cigars.

Whilst walking from your crashed ship and smoking cigars after vaporising an alien mother ship, Jews will strut like it's Saturday Night Fever.

You always smoke cigars after you win a war against aliens.

After a fighter pilot successfully takes an invincible fighter down, brings an alien to Area 51, steals a helicopter on a hunch and inadvertently rescues the First Lady, pilots the space ship that will take down the aliens shields and save the day, all you get from the President is "good job".

A alien mother ship will comfortably explode into itsy bitsy little pieces that will easily burn up in the Earth's atmosphere.


Whilst wiping out the largest cities in the US, criss crossing the continent, the aliens respect the Canadian border.

The US Navy, Royal Navy and any navy are useless and completely absent during an alien attack.

The geography of the South-Western US in every atlas and Google Earth is so wrong.

Aliens will always attack Earth on July 4th to coincide with America's independence.

All the right people will meet in order to save the world.

Data isn't dead; he just grew a lot of hair and moved to Arizona.

Roland Emmerich hates New York. (See also: `Godzilla` and `The Day After Tomorrow`)

In the world of Independence Day, 30 seconds lasts roughly 3 minutes.

The First Lady actually survived and was later made President of the Twelve Colonies.

 

Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio: a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy. He hath borne me on his back a thousand times; and now, how abhorred in my imagination it is! my gorge rises at it.

 

All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players.
They have their exits and their entrances;
And one man in his time plays many parts...

 

What's in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet.

 

To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,

 

Cry "Havoc," and let slip the dogs of war.

 

Commander Leonard 'Bones' McCoy, M.D.: I'd give real money if he'd shut up.